Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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