I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
