My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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