So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
