I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
