I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
be right there i have to get my cape
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
