btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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