I'm pants shitting drunk right now
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style