If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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