so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
