Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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