I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
