#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
