Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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