woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
