meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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