the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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