I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
