Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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