I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
