When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
