Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
