i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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