I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
