My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
