Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
