If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
