You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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