Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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