omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
