..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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