Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
