literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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