Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
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Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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