I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
