That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
