dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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