why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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