I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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