So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
