i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Text me some of your sweat
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
