fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
