he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
