His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
