Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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