i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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