My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
