She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
