there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are my feet made of real feet?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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