I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
