She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
