So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
