i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
